Identity Crisis in Motherhood

Me looking back wondering where the hell I went....

Who am I?!

A high school English teacher

CrossFit athlete

CrossFit coach

P&PA coach

Tutor

Business owner

SAHM Mother

Wife

Daughter

Friend

And I want to do all those things at 110%. Yeah, nope. 

I feel like I don’t have a right to complain. I GET to have a part-time business & I GET to see my kids a lot. Not everyone has that choice. 

Trust me when I say I am grateful: our health, my workouts, & my business. I realize every day how very, very lucky we are in this life. But I would be lying if I said it was easy all the time.

I get jealous that my husband works so much. He loves working & I’m glad he is happy with where he is at and where he is going.

But I am the one that needs to order school photos, pack lunches, take them to all of their activities, & get them ready for bed, manage school projects, and manage the mental load of much more. At this stage of my life, my dreams and goals seem to always gets pushed back.

I have deep passions and talents that allow me to teach, coach, and help others. I have been driven since high school to be a teacher. I knew that was for me early on.

Instead, I’m in the pick up line at school ready to start the 2 hour pick up process for both kids at different schools. 

But, I choose this charter school with no bus system. And, I choose a preschool on the other side of town because we love it. We are privileged enough to be able to make these decisions, and I choose this life for myself. 

I could get a sitter and coach CrossFit at night. I could go back to teaching full time. We could choose different schools. I could do lots of things, but I made these choices.

I see why lots of mothers want to go back to work full time to feel more balanced - yet then are stressed in other ways. You really can’t win either way. It's all hard.

I’ve sacrificed my mind, my body, my belly, my energy - all of it for these kids. Kids I would literally do anything for. That I have a love I never knew was possible. That I would jump into oncoming traffic for. 

Yet, I refuse to pretend that is easy to accept just because I have had these privileged choices to make. 

I am a social person but lately feel trying to schedule babysitters to go out to dinner is too much work, which is depressing for an extrovert like me.

I’m too tired Friday nights to even want to talk to my own husband. He comments I’ve been tired for 6 years. Chase is 5.5 so that sounds about right. 

Why can he can do the 5am CrossFit, work 12 hours, and still have more energy than me? 

I feel like I’m scrambling to do writing for my business while I’m in the bathroom or while I’m trying to make breakfast for everyone.

When I’m driving I’m trying to listen to podcasts on parenting because I’ve been yelling too much and want to step it up. I am making voice notes to myself in a document at stop lights so I can make a new plan.  That took the place of the other podcasts I want to listen to.

I know I’m privileged and lucky in so many ways, but that doesn’t make the identity crisis that comes with motherhood any easier.

I felt it was important to write about this in hopes it reaches someone else that might feel the same way but feels she doesn’t have a right to complain and feeling guilty for having these feelings.  

But this picture, taken when we had just moved back to Michigan with Chase as a baby, was a good reminder of how far I have come in the last few years. I feel like a different person now. And, I know as hard as it can feel in the day to day, I am continuing to make progress towards my own growth.

It’s okay to feel these complex feelings of motherhood; it doesn’t mean we aren’t grateful.